Battle of the Best Master
by thisarylwren
Summary: Darth Maul and Obi-Wan combat in a fierce battle of who will train the best apprentice. And you, their new apprentice have been chosen to read all their sacred works. Will you become a Jedi? Or will you fall to the Dark Side and become the next Sith?
1. Introduction

You enter a room carefully. The blindfold over your eyes prevents you from seeing anything. In the back of your mind, someone is chanting, "You cannot escape your destiny," and someone else is breathing harshly.

At last the blindfold falls to the ground. In front of you are two men. One is dressed in black. The other in Jedi robes. Both are glaring at each other.

"Welcome, apprentice," the Jedi says. "I am Obi-Wan Kenobi." He is a young man of roughly 26. "My good _friend _here and I have been dueling this out ever since our deaths. It has not yet occurred to him that _I _killed him, not vice versa."

"A Sith Lord killed in you the end, Kenobi," Darth Maul hisses. "Get on with it. Tell your tale."

"Both of us failed in the end," Kenobi continues. "My apprentice failed. Darth Maul did not even get as far as training an apprentice. But...that is where you come in, my good friend."

"You see," he continues. "We have both written archives of our lessons to pass on. You must examine all the documents and train fiercely before you can ever become a Jedi Knight or Sith Lord. And the path that you do chose...well, that will prove who is the best Force user out here after all!"

Kenobi shoots a withering glare at Maul. "May the Force be with you...."

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Author's Note: Um, needless to say, I was really, really, bored when I wrote that so please excuse my weirdness. The "lessons" that I wrote are not serious at all! Do not take them or this above intro seriously. I just hope that you find something in them amusing! =D


	2. How to be a Sith Lord

How to be a Sith Lord ****

How to be a Sith Lord

The ultimate lessons from a true Master! Learn to be a Sith Lord even if you can't use the Force at all, if you don't have a lightsaber, and if you don't have a single drop of Force-talent in your fingers!

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Please note that some of these "lessons" are violent and that I do NOT expect anyone to take this stuff to heart! It's just my way of releasing my boredom and do not take this stuff seriously. No I do not do any of the material I suggest here. J

1. **Master the "glare." All Sith know the glare.**

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    1. Sidious uses the glare to get the Nemodians to cooperate and to control them.
    2. Steps to mastering the glare.

    1. Take in a deep breath
    2. Narrow your eyes to slits
    3. Use your anger and attempt to make your eyes burn
    4. If all else fails, slice them with your lightsaber or candle if lightsabers are not available. They'll feel the burn anyway.

****
  1. Learn to hate everything.

    1. Steps to Mastering Ultimate Hatred

    1. Kick yourself repeatedly.
    2. Punch yourself and cause yourself as much pain as possible.
    3. Now look around you, telling your brain that the cause of your suffering is due to the objects around you. Blame the Jedi for your sore elbow. Relish in the feeling of blaming someone else. It always works and makes you feel good too.

3. **Obey your Master always.**

    1. Go back to Number 2 and think that you'll experience that pain if you don't obey. 
    2. Remember that it isn't about honor, it's about not suffering. Obey to save yourself. The day will come when you'll stand over your Master's dead body.

4. **Learn to feel no compassion.**

    1. Again beat yourself. Attack yourself with your lightsaber. Kick yourself where you don't like to be kicked.
    2. Relish in the pain. Think more about your own suffering than the suffering of the person that needs your help. Balance out this equation: I suffer or he suffers . . . 

5. **The Force is your strongest weapon. Learn to levitate objects.**

    1. Go into a room and drill nails into the roof, making a U shape with the nail so that you can hook something onto it. Hope that no one notices
    2. Tie invisible pieces of string to a pencil and then loop the string back up towards the ceiling around a hook.
    3. Loop it back down so that if you jerk on the string hidden in your hand, the pencil will fly up towards the ceiling.
    4. Say "Tada!" and destroy the evidence quickly.

6. **Mind Control: How and When**

    1. Keep in mind that mind control should be used sparingly and only under rare circumstances. (oh what the heck? We're Sith, not Jedi!) Use mind control whenever it will benefit you or give you pleasure.
    2. Go out and get a nice looking weapon. Knives and guns do nicely, baseball bats work equally well.
    3. Approach the person you wish to use mind control on. 
    4. Take deep breaths, tell them what you want, and then using delicate movements, swing your weapon into view.
    5. If they refuse to respond, press your weapon closer.
    6. Normally, they choose to respond to your wishes. If you have a stubborn fool that you're threatening, just turn away. He ain't worth wasting precious time on.

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More lessons coming up, depending on the reviews! If you really hate this, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be violent, but Sith Lords are pretty cruel.


	3. Top 10 Ways to Annoy Your Master

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A Jedi Padawan writes up a list of ways to annoy a certain Jedi Master....

Written in my moment of pure boredom...

Title: Top Ten Ways to Annoy Your Master

Author: silver_dragon

1. Say the word 'master' at the end of each sentence. It doesn't show respect, it simply annoys them. 

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"Master can we go now?" Obi-Wan asked. "Master, it's late. We really should be going, Master. Hey, Master, did you just hear a word I said, Master?"

"Padawan?"

"Yes, Master?"

"Stop saying the word 'master.'"

"But, Master - "

"I'm warning you . . .."

"Okay, Qui-Gon. So, can we go now, Qui-Gon? Are you annoyed, Qui-Gon? Qui-Gon, I really should shut up shouldn't I? But, Qui-Gon, I'm not saying the word 'master' at all . . . you really have no reason to be angry . . .."

2. Nod yes and say, "I understand" when they're delivering their lectures and at the end, say, "Thank you for teaching me that. I will do my best to endeavor to your teachings." After a few lectures and the same reply, they'll get the point that you aren't listening. Which of course will deliver more lectures and more lectures, but to spend the time, imagine your master delivering this speech naked in front of the Council . . .

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" - and so, you should always appreciate the simple things in life that we enjoy everyday. Food, Obi-Wan, is something that some in the galaxy do not have."

"Thank you for teaching me that, Master. I will do my best to endeavor to your teachings."

" - meditation is really a form of relaxing your brain. I don't see how you hate it so much. Really, without meditation, you would be without a strong connection to the Force."

"Thank you for teaching me that. I will do my best to endeavor to your teachings, Master."

" - you should never be eager for action. Excitement and adventure are two things a Jedi does not crave. To do, would lead to the Dark Side."

"Thank you for teaching me that, Master. I will do my best to endeavor to your teachings."

" - therefore, to mock your Master's valuable lessons is showing disrespect for the code that you made to me at the beginning of your apprenticeship."

"Thank you for teaching me that, Master. I will do my best to endeavor to your teachings."

"PADAWAN!"

Okay, naked Qui-Gon in front of the Council . . . Sith! Is he sensing my feelings?

"OH YOU ARE SO DEAD, OBI-WAN!"

Yup, I think he is. Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunn! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. Whenever they say "Sith!" remind them that they're pronouncing it wrong and it really should be "Shit!"

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"Sith! Obi-Wan, what did you do with my tunics?"

"Actually, it should be shit, Master. You're pronouncing the word wrong."

"You say the word shit again and I'll wash your mouth out with soap."

"But you_ just said it!"_

"Sith hells, Obi-Wan!"

"It's shit_, Qui-Gon! Shit!"_

4. On every mission, say "I have a bad feeling about this . . . "

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"Master? I have a bad feeling about this . . .."

"Master? I have a bad feeling about this . . .."

"Master? I have a bad feeling about this . . .."

"Master? I have a bad feeling about this . . .."

"Master? I have a bad feeling about this too . . .."

"Keep on saying that and that won't be the last bad thing that feel today."

5. Right after they tell you not to activate your lightsaber until Stage Five, ask them, "So, do I activate my lightsaber at the beginning of the move?"

6. Whenever they get annoyed at you, remind them that annoyance leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering . . .

7. "Master, is it true you were once my age and exactly like me? So does that mean one day I'll be really crabby, gray, and smell like bantha poodoo?"

8. Whenever they show impatience, inform them that patience is an unwritten part of the Jedi Code and that they should mediate a few hours as punishment.

9. "I fried my lightsaber in your goldfish tank. Is that okay?"

10. "Hey, Master, how come you're in your bedroom, you've been there for several hours, and you're groaning really loudly? Are you asleep yet?"


End file.
